Just Love Harder

Since 2019 I’ve lost both of my parents and my oldest son. It’s been a lot of loss. A lot of grieving. Each loss feels different; each has its own process. Along the way, I’ve learned some hard-earned lessons. I also have a list with suggestions for how to offer support and comfort to a grieving loved one. I’ll share that list next week.

I haven’t figured it all out, and I’m certainly no expert in the field, but for what it’s worth…these are some of the things that feel true to me:

• There is no right or wrong way to memorialize a loved one. Losing my son during the peak of the COVID lockdown made holding a traditional wake or funeral impossible. And, honestly, I am so glad. I was unable to think or function in the days following that loss. Some people find healing in the process of planning a service. Some people, like me, need some time before they can hold a ceremony. For some people, a service doesn’t feel right at all.
  
  My family and I spent the days and weeks after losing Ethan sitting outside with small groups of friends and family. We talked about Ethan or sat in silence. That was exactly what I needed at that time. A year later, we held a large outdoor celebration of Ethan’s life with food and music. Much of that day was beautiful, and much of it remains blurred in my mind. I’m grateful though that I didn’t feel pressured to hold a funeral in the days after experiencing the trauma of losing Ethan.
  
  We had more traditional services for my parents, and those felt right in those situations. If you’re in the position of having to make decisions about how to memorialize a loved one (or not), talk to your family and make the arrangements that you are most comfortable with.

• It’s ok to ask for help. I am terrible at asking for help. If you’ve ever tried to help a toddler tie her shoes and heard her angrily snarl “I can do it myself!” you have an idea what I tend to be like when it comes to accepting assistance. Like that two year old, I probably can’t really do it on my own, but I’m too stubborn to admit it. So, when I tell you it’s ok to ask for help, know that I’m better at offering advice than I am at taking it. Also know that I’m working on it. I really am.
  
  After you lose a loved one, people will offer to help in any way they can. Take them up on it. People who love you truly want to help; they want to ease your pain, but that’s not so easy to do. What they can do is offer acts of kindness that make life easier. Those acts feel like the love and support you’ll need. So be gracious, be honest, and say Yes, please, we would love prepared meals, or restaurant gift cards, or someone to run some errands, do some light cleaning, go for a walk…. Just say thank you and yes.

• It’s also ok to withdraw, at least temporarily. Another disclaimer: I suck at returning messages, even during the best of time. But when I’m in a difficult emotional spot, I tend to really pull into myself. When I’m struggling emotionally, I find it hard to eat or shower, let alone tell people how I feel.
  
  Don’t beat yourself up if your texts are piling up and you have a ton of unanswered voicemail. Give yourself the time and space to pull away and shut down for a bit. People who love you will understand.
  
  Try not to isolate yourself for too long though. If you’re having dangerous or disturbing thoughts, let someone know. If it’s been more than a few days since you’ve talked to anyone, reach out to at least one trusted person. Comforting solitude can become a dark place if you stay there too long.