a mother's life: grief & loss, healing & light, and everything in between
Some Things I’ve Learned about Grief–Part II
Grief changes. Might seem glaringly obvious, but sometimes it helps to remind yourself of that. The first days or weeks after a traumatic loss can feel completely unreal. Nothing will make sense. Over and over again, you may feel electric shocks of recognition and pain. I had no idea how I was going to continue to live in a world that felt like that.
The good news is that stage of raw, searing agony doesn’t last forever. Grief evolves and devolves and revolves. It’s awful and messy and uncertain. But one thing that is always true is that is changes with time. So, if you’re in a particularly difficult place on the journey, remind yourself that it will pass. It will look and feel different at some point. You won’t be stuck forever.
I learned from a grief expert named David Kessler that early grief lasts for two years. Two years, just to get through the early phase of grief. Let that sink in. It’s a lifelong process. It will never be easy, but it will become lighter with time. Allow yourself to fall apart and learn what helps you to heal. Treat yourself with the love and grace you’d show your best friend.
Talking about death is uncomfortable for just about everyone. After you lose a loved one, someone is bound to say something to you that strikes you the wrong way. Most people want to offer you comfort—but not everyone finds the right words in situations like this. You’re bound to be feeling sensitive and raw, so those comments can really sting. Try to allow yourself to feel the intention of the words if not their meaning, then let it go. Don’t spend your limited emotional energy getting upset or overthinking at a time when your mental resources are already strained.
Don’t compare your feelings to anyone else’s. Your pain is not measured in relation to someone else’s. Grief is a personal journey, and everything you bring to the experience is going to shape your response. Other people come to their own losses with their own background and coping skills. You’ll never truly understand why people respond to grief the way they do, so don’t even try. Focus on your own recovery and healing.
And, finally, two BIG reminders. Write them on a post-it note and stick it on your mirror: 1. BE GENTLE AND PATIENT WITH YOURSELF. This is hard work. Possibly the most traumatic experience you’ll ever go through. Don’t beat yourself up or put time limits on your pain. Don’t expect too much from yourself. Honor where your heart is at in any given moment. Speak lovingly and kindly to yourself. 2. GUILT IS NEVER HELPFUL. Period. Just let that shit go. If you find yourself feeling guilty, refer to the first reminder on that post-it note.
2 responses to “Some Things I’ve Learned about Grief–Part II”
Linda
Thank you for your blogs on grief. I’ve learned that grief comes in waves, and as time goes on, the farther apart the waves become. But they can hit you hard, and that’s OK. It tells you that you’re not numb. I realize that people don’t know what to say, and mostly try not to bring up your lost one lest it upsets you. I love talking about my son! He lived, he had a life filled with funny times, happy and sad times, like all of us. I want to talk about it. I might start crying but that’s ok. And I get that people don’t understand that.
This is all so true, Linda. I think I was one of those people who was afraid to bring up other people’s losses. Now I understand that it’s not only okay, but most people want to talk about the person they lost. It’s okay to say their name. ❤
Just Love Harder 
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